Nurture the nature

The prevailing conventional wisdom for doing pretty much anything, from losing weight to packing lunch or changing jobs, is:

1. There should be an article, or more likely a blog post, posted somewhere, anywhere.  Literally anywhere in the world, Singapore Times, Belize Bulletin, Capetown Courier.  Whatever.  Preferably shared on Facebook by your cohorts (not your parents' generation!).
2. It is neatly encapsulated into a checklist.  Something you can put (better yet download) into your to-do list.  There's an app for that?  Even better.  (There isn't?  Then build one!)
3. There's a study!  Some university doctoral candidates researched this very topic and published it in some journal.  Never mind that the topic could be as common-sensical as lack of sleep makes people tired and cranky (something you already know from past, painful experience), but hey, the study makes it worthy.  (Hope you're the type to check out the details, because studies can be, hmmm, spurious sometimes.)

Anyway, here's the thing to do (and the subject of this post): Talk to your kids about your family, give them the 'backstory'.

For generations this was something that was pretty much taken for granted.  Kids spent so much time around their parents, as well as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins (essentially the tribe), that they heard these stories all the time (and probably rolled their eyes when hearing them as teenagers).  Genes were not enough to make a 'family' - being together and knowing about each other were needed.  You heard about grandpa running a grocery store not because your parents wanted to make sure you'd grow up believing you could be a successful tech entrepreneur, but because that was just part of your history.  And knowing the good as well as the bad was a given, because it showed that (a) things work out (b) families stick together through thick and thin and (c) there's probably a moral in there somewhere that nana just couldn't pass up in each telling.

We live differently now.  Our families are not close and in our hyper-competitive, uber-structured, always-on lives we need a strong reason (and peer pressure!) to take the time to tell stories.

• Want the article?  Here you go.   
• Want the checklist? Voila! Here's another article which lists the twenty questions your children should be able to answer.
• Want the study?  Mentioned in the articles above.

All these exhort you to talk to the kids and build a family narrative.  This is not just so you give your kid an edge in growing up to be a billionaire entrepreneur, an Olympic athlete or an arena artist.  It is so they can grow up stronger, more resilient, and happier in whatever path their lives take them.  It's not enough to pass on the DNA, but to nurture their nature.  Kids need to hear about the people around them, just ordinary folks (not celebrities), who've managed to live decent lives. This helps kids build confidence in their abilities to manage their own lives.  (I've seen it work for my friends' adopted kids too - maybe there's a study somewhere.)

But please, don't stick to those twenty questions - they may not be relevant, and worse, may just be boring. Twenty fleshed-out stories (like how your grandma's grandma drew water daily from the well when she was 90 years old or how your uncle traveled to Africa in the Peace Corps and never came back), may be more memorable.  Stories need to be told over dinner, on road-trips, around campfires, curled up on a couch on a rainy day (hint, hint, make the time to talk to your kids!), but e-books and videos are good backups (note: backups) too.  

I enjoy channeling my strong, independent great-grandma who survived being gored by a cow in her late eighties ("it was only a cow!") - do you have a story that inspires you?